Coping with Infidelity

Without doubt, infidelity is painful.  Unfortunately, more than 50% of all married couples in the United States deal with infidelity.  Interestingly, while an affair is painful for both men and women, the ways they feel from an affair, as well as the way in which they cope differ.  For instance, men often have their ego deflated, which may make them more promiscuous or isolated.  Women on the other hand feel abused, which results in insecurity and the sense of unworthiness.

If you have discovered your husband or wife has had, or is having an affair, you have options to cope.  Keep in mind that divorce is painful and destructive so it will take time to get past the destruction.  Therefore, you need to be realistic and patient, understanding that time is your best friend.  In addition, understand that while some people can push through times of infidelity, most need some type of professional marriage or spiritual counseling.

The first way to cope with infidelity is to make time for YOU!  You will need to remind yourself how important you are by doing good deeds and pampering yourself.  In other words, if you have been the victim of infidelity, treat yourself to a trip to the day spa, a day of golfing, or even a short trip just to get away and clear your mind.  Most often, people on both sides of an affair feel bad about themselves so we suggest you do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good.

Then, keep your line of communication open, which can be challenging.  For instance, let us say that your husband had an affair.  You are going to feel hurt and angry but whether you want to move on alone or stay with your spouse, you need to talk, especially if there are children involved.  Conversations will be painful and defensive, which is common so if you need help, use the services of a professional so you can both gain a full understanding of why the affair occurred and what will be done now.

If you decide to divorce, then you would obviously need to hire an attorney.  Keep in mind that while you could stay angry with your spouse, this anger is actually damaging to you too.  Now, you are expected to go through periods of anger but allowing that anger to control your life is unhealthy.  Somehow, you will need to accept that the marriage is ending and you refuse to let the affair have control over your future and happiness.

If the two of you decide to work through problems to salvage the marriage, there will come a time when forgiving and even some degree of forgetting needs to happen.  Obviously, if you were the person hurt in the marriage, this will be tough but if you are truly dedicated to rebuilding your lives, you have to start focusing on the future, not the past.  Forgiveness is difficult but healthy.  Forgetting is possible but it will take time so allow you this time, being patient with the entire healing process.

Always remember, you can survive an affair, no matter what.  The most challenging aspect of infidelity is learning to trust again.  This means the husband or wife who had the affair will need to be patient, providing you with ongoing encouragement and support.  No, you may never fully get over an affair but with professional intervention, the right tools and resources, and sheer determination, you will not only survive but also thrive.